Reasons....Pt 1

So it is the New Year and of course may people start thing off with resolutions, so why should I be any different. But before I get into those let me give you a little background on why I am starting a second blog. For the past 5 years I have been struggle with my weight. I would start a weight loss plan and then something would come up (mostly med changes) and then I would have to stop.

Growing up I never had a weight problem, but I have always been concerned about the way that I looked. I remember growing up thinking I was never thin or pretty enough. I wasn't the girl that most guys went after, but why did I care, I was in 6th grade. I was the little girl that everyone talked about. I was well dressed, normal in size and smart, but who wanted that girl.

As time went on things happen that made me even more insure about my body. I remember going to a party with a couple of girl friends and I tried a dance move that one of them were doing, this boy in turns tell me I do not look right doing it. He said I was too fat. Now keep in mind I was a size 2 and he called me fat! That was the beginning of it all.

I remember going home and crying my eyes out a swearing that I would never gain any weight. As a matter of fact I was going to lose about 15-20 more pounds. Which in turn would have made me weigh less than 100lbs. So the problem started, I started skipping meals and taking laxatives. I was only 13 and I was out of control with them. I was constantly popping them after I ate to clean my system.

When I made it to high school, things really started going down hill. The unthinkable happen and I loss all hope in life. I self image was shot and my body became a tool to abuse. I continue to do things to it to make sure I remain slim and trim. I started to run track and cross county, I danced for the school and I signed up for choir. I was dropping weight like crazy, but not fast enough so I added diet pills to the mix.

I was not old enough to buy them, so I had my too old boyfriend do it. He knew I didn't need them, but he was a push over and wanted to make me happy so he supplied the habit. Needless to say, my first 3 years in high school I was bone thin. 5'2 weighing about 105-110lb. It was not until my senior year that my new boyfriend told me I would look better if I gained about 5-10lbs. I was happy about that because I was tired of not eating and taking pills.

So finally I did it, I got up to a healthy weight, 120lb and I stayed there until about year number 2 in my marriage. I had a wedding wearing a size 4 and in about 2 year I was up to an 6. It did not bother me much, because hubs did not complain about it. But about year number 5 of the marriage I found out I had panic disorder. Losing everything, my job, our apartment and my life to this disorder made things kind of hectic. In about another years time I was a size 8.

Still I did not worry about it because hubs never say anything about it. But I began to notice, however I was paralyzed to do anything about it at that time. So one day, I called hubs crying saying I wanted to kill myself because things had gotten so out of hand. I had lost control over everything and I just wanted to die. That is when I knew something was wrong. So back to the hospital I go only to find out that I have Bipolar Disorder. So on pills I go and I am do great until I have to switch doc's.

One year after beginning treatment I need a med change. Something stronger, so I was given Seroquel XL, causing me to gain 60lb in 3 months. Taking me from a 8 to an 18. Now my life was really in shambles. How could someone like me, who cared so much about weigh let myself go like this. I had to do something and do it fast.

Pt. 2 Tomorrow